We at the ever-popular Boston Red Sox blog have taken it upon ourselves to find out what is ailing Jason Varitek. We have seen slumps from him before, but this one has been an riddle wrapped inside an enigma, inside of a paradox.
We have traveled near and far. Gone places many would not think of going. Sacrificed our bodies for any nugget of information to this curse. We are glad to say that we are safely back in our offices and - we have unearthed the cruel beast that has stricken Varitek with the inability to move the bat from his shoulders. We now know the reason he swings widely; almost purposely missing the ball as if someone has taken away his sight.
Ladies and Gentlemen we will allow the evidence to speak for itself.
Now I am not one to attack youngins’ but listen you little long-haired freak - you voodoo practitioner - give us back Varitek! Allow him to bend his arms at the elbows. Free his arms! For all that is holy - give the man back his eyes. You are raping him of his livelihood.
I demand from you, the very doll you have used to strike our All-Star catcher. If you have a heart inside that miniature cauldron of evil you call a body I request you contact us and send us that LEGO doll now. We will carefully defuse the curse and free Jason Varitek of this horrid curse.
If you choose to ignore this, I offer you this small piece of advice. Cut your hair. You will want to make sure you have good peripheral vision when I sneak up behind you.